Four hours past the D&C and I am no longer pregnant. Not even close. However, I feel strangely light and, dare I say, hopeful? My body can DO this. I can ovulate and my uterus can nurture and support a baby. My endocrine system can actively and productively participate in healthy hormonal transitions that result in a pregnancy. This will happen for us.
I will be honest. I didn’t expect this. I’m not prone to eternal optimism or an ebullient state of mind. I’m more of a glass half empty type of person. I consider myself a realist. As a result, I expected unending grief and pain, pessimism, sorrow and despair, and, perhaps, this all will come, in good time. However, right now I feel hopeful. I’m really happy I got to experience pregnancy, albeit only six weeks of it. For a brief moment of time, I was a mum.
Let me be clear. I woke up from the anesthesia crying. I don’t remember waking up, more of a realization that I was crying. My next thought was, “Good-bye, baby.” And then…wait for it… “I want a bagel and lox.” And then I cried for a bit longer. By the time Big Guy was allowed into post-op recovery, my tears had dried, and I was again focused on the bagel and lox. This event feels incredibly tragic and sad. It took us thirteen months to conceive, and it may take another 13, 18 or even 24 months before we conceive again. As I’ve alluded to before, we are returning to Go, but today there is a difference. Three months ago, during lucky cycle #10, I was devoid of hope and confident that my endocrine-challenged body couldn’t pull this feat off, but today I am hopeful.
I think our spirit baby is just waiting for a good time, a good sequence of DNA, a good little vessel for its soul. Some maintain that an active meditation practice allows a mother to communicate with her spirit baby. I think a meditation practice could be really helpful. It will allow me to work on quieting my mind and finding peace in the here and now. Now that I know my spirit baby is hovering in the ether, I think I may start. That sounds nice.
I think you are right to be optimistic about this (not that it’s not right to also still feel sad at your loss). Your body CAN do this. It just did. It just got pregnant. It can do it again.
I remember my absolute devastation when I finally ovulated on my own (over a year after we got married), and I didn’t get pregnant. We had both been so sure that if I could just ovulate, dang it, I would get pregnant. But I didn’t. And I ovulated again… and didn’t get pregnant. Third time was the charm for us, as you know, and we are blessed enough to still be pregnant now. (Though I also spent a day sobbing and contemplating suicide when my temp dropped and I thought it was all over.) But I remember being so excited to find out that, yes, my body COULD get pregnant.
I hope your body proves to you again very soon that you CAN get pregnant, and stay that way. I am definitely praying and cheering for you!
~Monkey (stalking you from MDC)
Thanks for such a sweet note, Monkey! I really appreciate it! K.
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