Monthly Archives: May 2012

Slippery.

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11

I haven’t posted a substantive post in a while because everything feels a bit…slippery.  I’m having a hard time focusing on any one thing. If I keep my mind moving doing nothing then I don’t have to think.  I don’t have to think about the days, weeks, months and years that have gone by.  I don’t have to think about how I should be 21 weeks pregnant.  Or 7 weeks pregnant.  I don’t have to think about how if we were one of the fertile ones I would probably have a six month old. I don’t have to think about how perfect that would have been given my unemployment.  I don’t have to think about the past 12 months of unemployment.  I don’t have to think about what a goddamn waste all of my hard work has been. I don’t have to think about my deteriorating self-esteem. My deteriorating confidence. My deteriorating happiness. I don’t have to think about any of it.

I wake up in the morning and I read my emails, then I read the NY Times, then I read the articles I link to on Facebook.  I drink some coffee, and I read through my blog roll.  At this time it is about 9 am.  The entirety of the day is yawning ahead of me, and I don’t know how to fill it.

I don’t have any kids. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any friends here. Nothing.  It feels like I have nothing. Like I have effectively been excluded from life.

If things weren’t so slippery I would do something.  Perhaps work on publishing bits of my dissertation. Or begin knitting that blanket for my mum.  Read a book.  But, like I said, everything feels a bit slippery, and I’m having a hard time focusing on much of anything. Let me tell you, this malaise kills all motivation.

I won’t lie.  I’m not in a good place, and I’ve given up on the thought that tomorrow will bring something good.  Job? Baby?

No. Probably not.

Not for me.

That is the mantra that echoes around all the other slippery thoughts.

Not for me.

Conversations.

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RE Nurse: We need to send you over to an OBGYN so they can give you a Rhogam shot.

K: OK.

RE Nurse (on phone): We have a patient here that needs a Rhogam shot.  Can we send her over to you?

OBGYN Nurse (on phone): Is she having a miscarriage?

RE Nurse: Yes.

OBGYN Nurse: How has this been confirmed? Hands phone to me.

K: I’ve had six betas, the highest of which peaked at 410. My most recent was 32.  I’ve been bleeding for five days. Bright, red blood. The ultrasound at 5 weeks 5 days didn’t show anything in my uterus.

OB Nurse: So this is your first pregnancy?

K: No, this is my second.

OB Nurse: Oh! You have one child?

K: No. I had a miscarriage in March.

OB Nurse: March of 2011?

K: No. March of this year. March 6th.

OB Nurse: And you are having another miscarriage?!

K: Yes.

OB Nurse: OK. I think we can see you today.  Can you come right over?

********************************

OBGYN: So, this is your first pregnancy?

K: No. This is my second.

OBGYN: Oh! You have a child?

K: No. I had a miscarriage in March. I was 9 weeks. They did a D&C and gave me the Rhogam shot.

OBGYN: It really isn’t that common to have back-to-back miscarriages.

(Five percent.  Those are the odds.  I don’t need you to tell me.)

OBGYN: So. You’ve just been spotting and you think your pregnancy might be at risk?

K: No. I had a miscarriage. This has been confirmed with betas and an ultrasound.

OBGYN: Well. An ultrasound that early may not show anything.

K: No, perhaps not.

(Lady, I’m not fucking pregnant. I understand you must cover your ass, but there isn’t a shot in hell. Did you even glance at the chart?)

OBGYN: You’ve just been spotting?

K: No. I’ve been bleeding since Friday.  Bright red blood.  Clots. Stringy shit. At this point, the bleeding has tapered off.

OBGYN: Well, was it bleeding like menstruation or spotting?

K: Bleeding like menstruation. Heavier than menstruation.

OBGYN: Oh, that’s too bad. Well now it’s time to do some more testing.

K: Yes. My RE ordered the karyotyping test.

OBGYN:   Well, you are young and healthy.  It will happen.

********************************

Hair Stylist: I love your hair.  I was dying my hair bright white like yours, but I stopped.

(Oh, she stopped dying her hair because she’s pregnant.  She set the conversation up like this so I will ask her why she stopped bleaching her hair. Everyone thinks that babies are a good conversation for women our age.)

K: Oh? Why did you stop dying it?

Stylist: Well, I found out I was pregnant and I was uncomfortable with all the chemicals necessary to bleach my hair.  I thought I would rather be safe than sorry.

(I bet she is due in October when I would have been due.)

K: Congratulations. When is your due date?

Stylist: October 12th. You can’t really tell. I’m not showing yet.

(Right. A due date a couple of days behind me. How many weeks would I have been, 20?)

K: How many weeks are you?

Stylist: Hmm.  I dunno.  Nineteen or 20?

(That must be nice. You mean you don’t have an internal tracker that ticks the days off as you move towards viability. Huh.)

K: Halfway there.  How do you feel?

Stylist: I’ve been pretty sick, but my mum was sick for the entire pregnancy when she had me, so that’s what I think is going to happen.  Do you have kids?

K: No.

Stylist: Oh, do you want kids?

K: Shrug.

Stylist: Maybe someday? They are a lot of work.  This is going to be my only one.

K: Maybe someday.

CD 1, Cycle #13

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The Story of Menstruation presented by Walt Disney Co. and sponsored by Kotex, circa 1945.

“To most girls the menstrual period should bring no severe discomfort. Some girls have a little less pep or a feeling of pressure in the lower part of the body, perhaps an occasional twinge or touch of nerves. But don’t let it get you down. After all, no matter how you feel, you have to live with people. You have to live with yourself, too! And once you stop feeling sorry for yourself and you take those days in your stride, you’ll find it easier to keep smiling and even-tempered.”

“And, incidentally, it’s smart to keep looking smart. That well-groomed feeling will give you new poise and boost your morale. Especially when it’s backed up year-round with fresh air and sunshine and plenty of rest and sleep. Because the best possible insurance on those days is healthy living every day.”

Validation.

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We all start blogging for different reasons.  Some wanted to become Dooce or the Pioneer Woman.  Others created a blog to keep friends and family informed without having to give individuals updates. Still others start blogging as an outlet for their emotions.

I fall within the latter camp.  I started blogging after my first miscarriage because I didn’t know what else to do.  There seemed to be no place to go, no one to turn to, no one understood.  I felt isolated and alone.  It seemed as if all of my friends procreated and transitioned into paid employment with such ease.

I felt left behind.  I felt isolated. I felt worthless.

This blog has provided a new community.  A circle of friends that intimately understand what I am experiencing.  The pain of infertility, the losses, the grief – the quagmire of shit that we all are trapped within.  And I feel as if I’ve been welcomed and embraced unconditionally.  This has been incredibly validating.  Especially throughout the past couple of days.

Thank you to all for reading, for commenting, for offering support, comfort, kind thoughts, prayers and love.  You all have helped to shore up my broken heart.  For this I am eternally indebted, and I hope I can offer you the same support as you progress through your journey.

Again, thank you.

The Waiting Game.

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It seems like this infertility journey is primarily one of waiting.  We wait to ovulate. We wait to test. We wait to stimulate. We wait to suppress. We wait for phone calls. We wait for lab orders. We wait for lab results.   And we wait for a baby. I’ve been waiting 502 days, 75.5 weeks. 17 months, and 12 cycles to have a baby.  Put like that, it isn’t so bad, but it feels interminable. Today, I’m just waiting for the bleeding to begin.

My hCG level on Monday was 120, down from 410 on Friday.  In case there was any doubt, this pregnancy is not viable.  My doctor calls herself an interventionist, but in this situation she recommends I wait for the bleeding to start on its own, given that my body has already started the process.

The problem with that? No blood, no spotting, and a cervix shut tight.  There is absolutely no movement towards a natural miscarriage. Any signs of forward momentum ceased well over 24 hours ago, with the worst of it on Sunday.  By “the worst of it” I am referring to a scant show of blood on a pantyliner. It has been 36 hours since my last injection of progesterone.  Surely things have to begin soon, right?

To that end, I’ve done some googling.  Burdock root, dandelion root, parsley, ginger, sage, and rosemary can all help to hasten along the process when steeped as a tea. However, that sounds awful.  My bet is that it would not taste as bad as my cleanse smoothie, but would be about as bad as the many iterations of Chinese herbs I’ve consumed.  It is hot here in the desert.  Perhaps I should ice it and chug it after my workout.

Additionally, angelica, chamomile, cinnamon, clary sage, basil, ginger, jasmine, juniper, myrrh, peppermint, rose, rosemary, fennel and marjoram essential oils are also known emmenagogues.  That doesn’t sound as bad.  I may even smell nice.

Alternatively, I could wait until I have an appointment with my new RE tomorrow.  I’m hoping he will confirm the diagnosis and prescribe some misoprostol so I can stop waiting and move forward. I hate, loathe, detest, abhor, despise waiting.