Monthly Archives: July 2012

Back To Nebraska.

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Unfortunately, my friends, I’m off to Nebraska, again.  My dear friend’s mother passed, ending her three year battle with Stage 4 colon cancer.  I wish I could say that this is the only person I know that has died of cancer, other than my father, but I can’t. I know over 100 people that have died of cancer. Babies, old men, middle-aged women, teenage boys, breast, brain, blood, colon, skin, prostate, and others.  The cancer rate in rural Nebraska, the Bread Basket of the World, is shocking. That’s why I will never entertain the notion of living there again.

Cancer is an evil and pernicious affliction.

In other news, tests at 10, 11, and 12 DPO were negative. I’m officially not pregnant. Now, the struggle is going to be the Day 3 ultrasound for the all-clear to take Clomid Round #3 for Cycle #15 during Month #20. I’m gone all week, and I’m not sure my doctor will collaborate with a local OBGYN on the ultrasound.  If not, Cycle #15 will be sans the fertility drugs. After that? We are on to the IUIs.

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I’ve Got It Figured Out.

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We all need to move to Mankato, MN.

A insightful patron of a lovely bar in Mankato, MN decided that she cares deeply about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. After brainstorming for a period of time, I’m assuming over a cocktail or two, the patron approached the owner with a proposal.  ”I know!”, she said, “Let’s install a pregnancy test dispenser in the women’s bathroom. If anyone is worried about drinking while pregnant, they can run to the loo and test their pee!”

The bartender, a enterprising man, himself, agreed to the idea, noting its worth.  Now, the women’s restroom has a pregnancy test dispenser in it with tests accessible with an easy swipe of the card for the bargain price of three dollars.

Why should we all move to Mankato? Well, it seems a rather brilliant way to diffuse the pain of another negative test. The tests are only three dollars, and we then have access to buckets of booze. Perfect.

Oh, Progesterone! You Trickster, You!

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It is remarkable how much progesterone suppositories mimic early pregnancy symptoms. I carefully guard my heart by keeping a stern grip on my hope. Hope is seductive and dangerous.  Too much hope results in cycles of devastation and despair. Too little hope robs one of joy and…well…hope.  As one commentor once said, If we don’t have hope, why are we doing this?

So, I like to walk the tightrope between pragmatism and hope, but these suppositories are making me keel starboard onto the side of hope.  I don’t like it.  Early pregnancy symptoms are a pain in the ass. No one likes a racing heart and hypoglycemia. At 8 DPO it would be way to early to begin feeling these sensations as a result of a pregnancy.  That’s the pragmatic voice speaking up.  However, the voice of hope started whispering incessantly in my ear to POAS early this morning.  ”Do it! Do it! Do it!”, was the chant echoing through the empty vaults of my unused brain.

The chanting was so persuasive, despite my pragmatic self reciting a litany of reasons as to why the test would be negative, but I became hopeful.  ”What if? What if? What if?”, she screamed. The cacophony was so loud that I could not be dissuaded. So I tested with diluted mid-afternoon urine at 8 DPO. Of course it was negative.

I’m hoping to steer clear of hope’s siren song by not testing again until Friday at 10 DPO with FMU. Wish me luck.

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Breastfeeding & Unemployment or What Might Have Been.

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Yeah, yeah. I know these are two totally divergent topics, but I was inspired by a piece in the NY Times this morning discussing the realities of breastfeeding for professional women. It really struck a chord, and, despite being barren as can be, it is incredibly relevant to my life.

I wrapped up  my PhD in September of 2011.  We had started trying to have a baby in January of 2011.  I already had my PCOS diagnosis, so we knew that getting pregnant wasn’t going to be a walk in the woods.  However, I do ovulate on my own, albeit irregularly. I thought that while it may take us a bit longer, it wouldn’t be an impossible feat.

We started trying in January with the expectation that if I magically got pregnant on the first try then I would be due right around my tentatively planned defense.  Not too shabby! In fact, I had two friends in my program that actually managed to pull this off.  Lucky, lucky, ladies. Worst case scenario, I would have some downtime after the defense to decompress, and I would give birth six to twelve months later.

I loved this scenario.  That PhD was a bitch, and I needed time to release, redirect, and relax. I wanted to avoid the situation where I got a job, worked at that job for six months, then had a baby.  Because of my lack of time on the job, I would then be extremely limited in my ability to take time off, unpaid or paid, to bond and nurture the new addition to our family.  I envisioned caring for my baby for a year, which would allow me to breastfeed through the first year, then moving into paid employment.  After that, I would work for several years, get pregnant again, and either quit or take leave for a year to do the same with my next child.

God is laughing and pointing Her finger at me right now. “Silly woman!” She says.

I really, really wanted this to work out in order to give myself time to bond and breastfeed my child.  I wanted to do this without pumping milk in the stalls of a public restroom, in my office, or in some random corner of an unused room. I wanted to be able to snuggle and nurture that baby, to develop a bond that would support their growth and development.  I really, really wanted to do this.

Why? Because in the US, the reality of being both a professional and a mother is difficult. CAN women have it all? We have been inundated with news lately of Marissa Mayer’s ascendancy to CEO of Yahoo! in conjunction with her pregnancy.  She claims she will work through a three week leave.  I say anything is possible when you are going to make 70 million dollars over the next five years.  Hell, you could hire a nursemaid to breastfeed for you.

I, on the other hand, wanted to avoid the pressure of handling both a new career and a new baby.  I recognize that breastfeeding is difficult in the best of circumstances, and that to attempt both is extremely hard. In fact, the US ranks at the very bottom of economically advanced countries when it comes to supporting breastfeeding – or parenthood, for that matter. A recent report by Save The Children, an advocacy organization, reports:

The United States ranks last on the Breastfeeding Policy Scorecard. It is the only economically advanced country – and one of just a handful of countries worldwide – where employers are not required to provide any paid maternity leave after a woman gives birth. There is also no paid parental leave required by U.S. law. Mothers may take breaks from work to nurse, but employers are not required to pay them for this time. Only 2 percent of hospitals in the United States have been certified as “baby-friendly” and none of the provisions of the International Code of Marketing of Breast-Milk Substitutes has been enacted into law. While 75 percent of American babies are initially breast-fed, only 35 percent are being breast-fed exclusively at 3 months.

I wanted to beat the odds. I wanted to avoid the guilt and self-blame. And I just wanted to have a baby.

However, the dream scenario didn’t happen. What a pipe dream! Now, as I realize just how efficiently I have educated myself out of the job market, any job would be amazing.  Job outside my discipline? No biggie! Job as an administrative assistant? Uh, okay! Unpaid fellowship? Sure! Why not?! Also, pregnancy at any moment in time will suit me just fine. The sooner the better, but, really, whenever.

Please do recognize these thoughts as the musings and lamentations of a privileged individual.  I’m extraordinarily lucky to have these choices. In addition to letting go of what might have been, I also work to reconcile my yearnings with my privilege. Shouldn’t I be happy with what I have? This has become an equally challenging struggle through the past nineteen months.

In reality, I need to let go of what I once wanted. It will not be my reality. In fact, I would just like to start either my career or my family, or both. As time continues to unspool behind me without either, all of this just becomes increasingly painful. I am my biggest disappointment. Now, I will take anything the universe gives me, while working to recognize that I already have so much.

July ICLW

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Welcome fellow bloggers! This is my fourth ICLW, and I keep on trying to find new and interesting ways to introduce myself.  If you would like a traditional summary of my  IF journey you can revisit my ICLW posts from April and May, or you can check out my timeline.  I also did a ICLW intro post in numbers.  I can add two numbers to this post:   89 OPKs and 44 HPTs.  That’s right.  I’m not afraid of peeing on a stick.

So, as an introduction for this month I wanted to give you some of my favorite things.

Green Pants:

I love my green pants from the Gap. Love, love, love them. They are a bit stretchy, they are cropped, and they are much brighter than this picture. I feel fun and sassy when I wear these pants. I also feel cool and hip which is sometimes a stretch for this ever-aging 32-year-old. Thirty-three in two months. I can’t help but imagine my eggs wrinkling and turning gray with me. But, for now, I have green pants.

Mac Book:

I started my PhD program with a top of the line Dell. I made an investment in a computer that was fast and had a lot of memory because I knew I would be using it A LOT. And I did. I used and used and used that laptop. I filled it up with writing and research and data. I filled it up to the brim. I was very loyal, and I was loathe to toss the sweet thing to the wayside. Yet, the time came when it wasn’t even functional. So, I bought another Dell PC. I had such a good experience with both the Dell and Windows operating system that I knew I was making the right choice. I was wrong. I purchased a Dell with Vista on it and it crashed within days and continued to crash and crash and crash and crash. Three and a half years later, multiple external hard drives, multiple viruses, and multiple system reboots, I have wiped my hands clean of the Microsoft operating system. Peace out and good riddance. This is my inaugural post withe the Mac, and I’m having a blast.

Virgin Mojitos:

I live in Palm Springs and it is dreadfully hot. I don’t drink a lot of soda because I hate artificial sweeteners, and regular soda has too much sugar for my cystic ovaries. However, I do love sparkling beverages. Cue virgin mojitos. Virgin for two reasons: One, I can’t run around drinking rum-heavy drinks all throughout the day for obvious reasons (never mind the sugar bomb in the alcohol). Two, my husband is in recovery so running around drinking rum-heavy drinks would make me an asshole, and I love my husband.

So, I made some mint simple syrup, squeezed the juice from one lime, crushed some fresh mint leaves and topped it off with sparkling water. It was and is the most refreshing beverage I’ve ever made, and it will be the lifeline that keeps me afloat this summer. To make the simple syrup combine equal parts water and sugar in a saucepan. Heat until the sugar dissolves. Add some chopped mint in the sauce pan and simmer for 15 minutes or until syrupy. Strain the mint bits with a fine strainer or cheesecloth. Refrigerate in a jar of sorts and enjoy at will!

I’m thinking of making other simple syrups ie berry, rhubarb, celery, etc. The world is a sparkling beverage of an oyster.

Shadow of Night:

I was the kid with the coke-bottle glasses reading in the corner. I love books. I always have and always will. Five years into my PhD program I realized that I probably could have simply become a librarian and lived happily ever after. Alas, it was not meant to be, but I still carry books with me all the time. Shadow of Night is my new read. I’ve been waiting patiently for this book to come out ever since I read A Discovery of Witches. See, I didn’t realize it was to be a trilogy, so I inhaled the book waiting to see how things were resolved at the end. To my horror and delight, things weren’t resolved and I had to wait to see what happened. Finally, we have book two in the All Souls Trilogy.

This series is a great summer read. The author has created a smart and fun storyline, but doesn’t weigh it down with dense and complex prose. I’ve discovered that my concentration has waned in the face of two miscarriages in three months,  and things are a bit slippery, so to speak. I like to think of this as a nice defense mechanism. My brain is in survival mode protecting my heart. No need to spend hours pondering the reality of the situation. So, light fiction is right up my alley these days. For those of you that liked Twilight, check this series out. Also, the movie rights have already been sold. Coming to a theatre near you.

So, there you have it.  Brief snippets of information about my every day life outside the realm of infertility.  Oh, and I’m currently 4 DPO and waiting patiently to test at 10 DPO. Welcome from ICLW, and thanks for stopping in!