I’ve returned from the netherlands, otherwise known as Nebraska. I’ve been feeling quiet and contemplative in light of the funeral, and I’ve been trying to work through my thoughts and feelings on life and happiness.
Prior to hearing the news, Big Guy told me that I should work to disentangle my happiness from either starting a family or starting a career. First, I was angry. Since I have not yet reached enlightenment, I haven’t managed to figure out how to derive my happiness from outside the normal sources that everyone else gets to experience – so it seems. I’ve been in the mind-fuck of a lifeless purgatory for well over a year now, and trying to find and derive happiness has been tricky.
Trying to disentangle all of this has been hard. Right now I am frustrated. I’m getting ready to pop the fourth dose of Clomid for this cycle knowing full well that a dark veil of depression is going to fall on my shoulders in the next day or so. It is going to be a dark and lonely place for several weeks as I ride out the emotional effects of this drug. Just when I feel like I’m returning to an even keel, to a happier place, I’m going to have to do it all over again.
I don’t have any distractions. I don’t have any friends here. I don’t have a job or duties to perform. Trying to volunteer has been almost as hard as getting or staying pregnant. I tried to start a support peer-led support group through RESOLVE, but they won’t return my emails, either. Day by long day I am faced with my reality and everything that it is not. It is the first thing I wake up to and the last thing before I fall asleep. My days are long and slow, my friends.
I was the kid that took 20 credit hours in college because I wanted a challenge and I wanted to be busy. Without either of those I was stagnant. I lacked motivation, and I didn’t work to my true potential. Well, now I don’t have any challenges, and I don’t have much to keep me busy. Things haven’t changed much. Because of this, I lack motivation and am quite stagnant. This doesn’t help the happiness factor, either.
But then my friend’s mom died. She was 54. Once again I was witness to the true fragility of life.
I want to be happy. I would love to shake off the pain, grief and disappointment of the past 20 months. Or, I would love to be happy despite it all. But I’m just not, and I can’t quite figure out how to be. I want to be happy because this is my life. My one shot. I don’t want to look back and think, “Wow, why was I so unhappy?” More importantly, I don’t want to die suddenly and unexpectedly and leave memories of a sad, shattered, and disillusioned woman that didn’t manage to do much of anything.
That’s where I’ve been in this past week, friends. Mired in a pool of unhappiness and self-reflection. Clearly something needs to change. I don’t get to change the obvious things: career, family, location, volunteer activities. The Universe has consistently barred me from walking down any of those paths. The only thing I can change is my attitude. If I am to be my only source of happiness, well, that is a grim thought. This brings me full circle. How does one disentangle happiness from career, from family, from life events?
(That isn’t a rhetorical question. If you have ideas, please do share.)
I remember feeling like this a few weeks ago. I just noticed that my entire life was revolving around my need to have a child, and that didn’t feel right to me. Maybe you could try signing up for a class? What are your interests? Sports? Arts? Music?
Anything at this point! I am missing living in a city right now, complete with lots of amenities, classes, games, sports, restaurants, etc. I hope you have managed to shake your gloom!
I don’t have any fabulous words of wisdom, but I will be checking back often in case someone else does.
I guess one thing, maybe. I tend to feel less happy when I’m home for extended periods. Getting out of the house or starting active projects at home seems to change my mood. (I like to take long walks, go to museums, etc. or, if I’m at home, gardening was a good hobby when I had access to the outdoors.)
I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. Finding contentment from within is not an easy task.
Thanks, lady. All good suggestions. I’m pretty introverted and I don’t like hot weather, so that leads to a lot of alone time in our air-conditioned condo. I don’t think it helps. It is just me and my thoughts.
I wish there were simple, true words I could write that would give you that ah-ha moment. The only advice I can think of, however useful or not, is mindfulness. Throughout your day, when even the tiniest thing makes you smile, or give you pause to think “how nice”, really *live* in that moment. If you see a beautiful flower, or take a deep breath and smell something that triggers a happy memory, just try to enjoy that moment and don’t let it simply slip by. Find as much happiness and contentment as you can in those little moments, since the big life events are being so elusive. I really hope something good is on the horizon for you so you can look back on all this as just a blip in time – a painful blip, but a blip nonetheless.
A fellow blogger had to do an exercise in group therapy where they drew a timeline of their life in order to illustrate how IF is just a blip. It is hard to take that step back to really grasp it – especially when the uncertainty of the situation plays such mind games!
Yes. This.
Doing something creative makes me happy. Whether it’s a sewing project, “artistic” journaling, cooking, or writing, having a finished project or working toward one makes me smile. Like you, I’m better busy. I like step50′s idea of taking a class. Something fun but challenging.
I hear you. I need to pick up my knitting project. Perhaps I need to aim to finish before Christmas! Thanks for your thoughts!
If you find out, please let me know! Seriously… I am reminded of a previous post of mine. Basically theres a picture of a girl with doo doo on her face (well its really pudding, but it’s a metaphor). How the hell am I supposed to be happy when the universe is taking giant dumps on my face? Pretend like I like it? Well I don’t like it! So please I beg of you, when you figure it out, please share.
I loved that post! I promise if I find the path to enlightenment I will draw you a map.
I am so sorry you’re feeling like this. I often think it’s so much easier for guys to just accept things and ‘be happy’ with the status quo. I would mirror what curly sue says, sometimes when you’re in a sad, sad place you just have to try and focus on the small things. I was feeling really miserable and then the other day I smelled freshly cut grass, my favourite reminder of summer and I grinned
Thanks, lady! I love the smell of cut grass, too!
This could have been my post a few weeks ago. It’s such a terrible place to be – depressed and unable to see light in anything. I think my therapy has really been helping, I’m finally starting to turn a corner! I hope things get better for you, as I know it’s completely miserable!
Thanks so much! I think therapy is around the bend for me, too. I’ve been putting it off because all I want to do is move back to Denver and see my old therapist!
When I was there I went back to the basics. What makes you happy? What do you enjoy doing? Ask yourself that and don’t think hard. What is the first thing that comes to mind? Now do it! No excuses. I hope you feel better soon. Hugz!
I’m the type of person that wants to stay busy- especially at work. That would be incredibly frustrating to not even get a call back to volunteer!
How about some sort of arts and crafts project? You could start on Xmas gifts early!
How about training for something- a race, a distance, etc.
You could also try meetup, craigslist, or other groups to meet people….