That’s what I’m doing tonight.
Ten to 14 days past ovulation is always an emotionally wearing time. Probably because I’ve already tested, and I know I’m not pregnant. This cycle isn’t any different. It burns every fucking time, and we weren’t even “trying” this cycle. It still fucking burns. I guess I was hoping for a miracle or a lucky break. That’s a laughable notion.
I was going to take another cycle off, and by off I mean try without meds, but I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to delay. I wanted to be pregnant and due in October. I wanted to be pregnant and due in January. Now I just want to be pregnant again. No more delays. No more miscarriages. So, I will take 100 mg of Clomid on cycle days 3-7 while I’m in Nebraska visiting family over the Fourth of July. I will try not to snap at small children and elderly adults, alike. I will try not to abuse alcohol and wallow in an enormous pool of Clomid-induced depression and despair. I will try not to revert to my immature and narcissistic teenage self. I will try to smile and put on a brave face while confronting the fecundity of middle America and fielding intrusive and insensitive questions. I will try.
It is probably going to be a disaster.
But tonight I’m busy wallowing in self-pity that a cycle that I wasn’t even trying for is bust. Another fucking 36 days down the drain. Awesome.
Still no baby. Still no job.
Here’s what I’m up to:
Fried chicken, raspberry brown ale, & twizzlers.
Today is a wash. I’ll try to do better tomorrow.
WARNING: This post contains graphic language describing my lady bits ie cervix, mucus, discharge, os, etc.
My cervix doesn’t know what the hell is going on. Up, down, soft, hard, open, closed. It is all over the place. If it could speak it would say, “WTF, K? What the hell is going on?” I would reply, “I just dunno, cervix. I just dunno.”
My cervix has been high and soft for days, but my OPKs have been negative and my mucus has been sticky and tacky. Definitely not nearing ovulation. Today, my cervix dropped to a really low position, but, inexplicably, it still remains soft and open. Also, my mucus is both sticky and tacky yet contains some stretchy egg white mucus. My cervix is either lost or conflicted.
I’m currently on CD 19. After miscarriage #1 I ovulated on CD 23, which was a pleasant surprise. I hope the same thing happens on this go-round. I’m a bit trepidatious because my cervix seems to be keeping secrets. I’m hoping that my hormones are just balancing out and will find a happy equilibrium sooner rather than later.
For the charters amongst us all, here is the comparison of my two post-miscarriage charts.
The Story of Menstruation presented by Walt Disney Co. and sponsored by Kotex, circa 1945.
“To most girls the menstrual period should bring no severe discomfort. Some girls have a little less pep or a feeling of pressure in the lower part of the body, perhaps an occasional twinge or touch of nerves. But don’t let it get you down. After all, no matter how you feel, you have to live with people. You have to live with yourself, too! And once you stop feeling sorry for yourself and you take those days in your stride, you’ll find it easier to keep smiling and even-tempered.”
“And, incidentally, it’s smart to keep looking smart. That well-groomed feeling will give you new poise and boost your morale. Especially when it’s backed up year-round with fresh air and sunshine and plenty of rest and sleep. Because the best possible insurance on those days is healthy living every day.”