Category Archives: Pregnancy #2

Unequivocal.

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That’s my hope for tomorrow. I hope the beta results are unequivocal. Of course, I hope for a number that has doubled nicely.  The betabase shows the fastest doubling time with an hCG level in my range as 8 hours.  I could settle for an overachieving embryo with a superior doubling time, but, really, I just want an unequivocal number with a doubling time within the appropriate range.

I also could come to terms with a bad number.  A number that did not increase, or even dropped.  This also is unequivocal.  There would be no doubt.  I would stop the progesterone injections, and we would move forward with Cycle #13.  Who says 13 is unlucky, anyway?

You know what would hurt the most? What would tear me apart with the ambivalence and unknowing? An ambiguous number.  A slow, slow increase.  A number that moves just enough to continue the progesterone and the monitoring, but which does not instill hope in myself or the doctors.  That terrifies me.

So, my hope for tomorrow, aside from the obvious hopes and dreams of an amazingly beautiful baby in my arms, is an unequivocal number.  I don’t feel as if it is a lot to ask of the Universe, so that is my prayer tonight.

The Test is Darker!

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8

One of my first pregnancy signs during pregnancy #1 was frequent urination.  I had no idea that the uterus starts to enlarge so quickly.  I thought it would take a week or two, not two days.  This was also one of my first signs for this pregnancy. The peeing started with a vengeance two days ago at 14 DPO.

This frequent urination thing has been tricky with my POAS obsession.  Not last night, but the night before I woke up at both 1 am and 4:45 am to go to the bathroom.  This does not make for a great FMU POAS situation.  Yesterday I used the 4:45 am urine.  The line was the same as CD 14.  I was disappointed but didn’t put much stock into it because I am embracing my pregnancy. (You know, because if I say it enough it will be an easy thing to do.)

I then got the beta results yesterday afternoon, and I was devastated.  I wasn’t embracing anything.  I tried to do so by talking to my blastocyst for a bit, trying to persuade it to stick around.  And then I cried bitterly for several hours.  Not a reassuring sign for my spirit baby, I’m sure.

I wanted to surprise Big Guy by telling him in a magical fashion, but I couldn’t handle yesterday’s meltdown all alone.  The poor guy.  Take it from me, calling and hysterically crying is not the best way to tell your partner you are pregnant.  His overall reaction? Confusion. “I don’t know if I should be excited or not,” he says.  ”Me either,” I replied.

So, when I went to bed last night I made a pledge to sleep soundly and to ignore every and all urges to wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  I was going to have great FMU or get a bladder infection trying.  I dreamed about water and going to the bathroom all night, but I held out until 5 am.  Seven hours of abstinence from the toilet.

The test this morning? Darker.

I’m going to have a baby, dammit.