Tag Archives: conception

Hope.

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Hope is such a seductive and intoxicating thing. Prior to Lucky Cycle #10, I had lost all hope.  I was convinced I was in it for the long haul.  The Cyster forever relegated to the barren and infertile side of the chasm.   Which, I might add, is a bit dramatic given that twelve months of ttc as a women with PCOS isn’t that bad.  See Lucky.

This week I’ve been experiencing some strange patterns in my BBT chart.  After almost 18 months of charting, I’ve begun to think I’m really good at it.  My temps dropped just three days ago, after my fair share of hot flashes and night sweats.  This is a standard BBT presentation post-D&C.  Fantastic, I thought, I’m on my way.  I did a cleanse, my hormones are regulating, I’m going to ovulate in a short period of time – say 4 weeks from now. This morning? My temperature spiked.  This was coupled with two days worth of EWCM.  WTF is with the EWCM?!

Big Guy and I happened to have sex at the right time.  Good sex – not the “I think I’m ovulating and I think we should get this done, even though you just worked a fourteen hour day” type of sex. Sex that is a reminder that we are in love with each, appreciate each other, and want to be intimate with each other.  The type of sex that had begun to fade to a distant memory with the perfunctory, mandated, timed intercourse.

This EWCM combined with the positive and loving sex makes me hopeful.  No matter how hard I try to tramp it down, ignore it, shift it to the edge of my consciousness, the hope exists.  In fact, it isn’t just seductive and intoxicating, hope is dangerous.  If you are devoid of hope the pain, the disappointment, the drudgery, none of it is a surprise.  As a result, it ceases to be as painful.  The peaks aren’t that high and the lows aren’t that low, because the expectations just don’t exist.

But, today, I’m hopeful, and that scares the shit out of me.  Hope and I are strange bedfellows.  It is not my natural inclination, and, given my past experience with inevitable ttc let-downs, I am not welcoming the hope with open arms.  I am wary and cautious, guarding my heart carefully.

I’m sure that the temperature spike was an anomaly.  I’m sure that I did not ovulate.  I’m sure that, even if I did, I will not get pregnant.

But, what if?

Go away, Hope.

 

Lucky Cycle #10

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After 13 months and ten cycles, Big Guy and I managed to conceive.  That was super fun.  I like to analyze this in different ways.

1) After 13 months, nevermind the multiple infertility diagnoses, we definitely fit the bill for an infertile couple.  On average, 90% of couples will conceive within the first 12 months.  We exceeded that window.

2) Technically, I only cycled 10 times in 13 months, so we still fell below the 12 month window.  This is based upon the assumption that the data is weighted heavily by women with cycles within the “normal” range.  I have a hunch that these statistics would look a  bit different if the time frame wasn’t in months, but individual cycles.  For example, one would say that 90% of women conceive after 12 ovulatory cycles (instead of within 12 months time).

3) I started the Metformin in May and Lucky Cycle #10 was actually my 7th cycle on the Met.  I think it is important to consider this because a regular, cyclical, ovulatory pattern is good for a nice hormonal balance and healthy, happy eggs.  Nevermind the ability to do the deed at the right time.

4) My right tube was blocked with mucus.   It wasn’t cleared until December of 2011.  Therefore, assuming alternating ovulating ovaries, the cycle count in 1-3 is cut in half.  Not too shabby, not too shabby at all.

Why does this really matter?

It doesn’t.  In fact, my therapist of old would encourage me to stop analyzing and process my emotions.  However, this is related to my emotions! I promise!

See, I like scenario #3.  Seven cycles to conception isn’t so bad.  Let’s ignore the three wonky, weird, pre-Met cycles where our intercourse was haphazardly timed, at best. (But let’s also give a shout out to those of you on Fertility Friend with a chart that looks like this:

You know who you are.  Kudos, ladies, kudos.)

Also, let’s not put a time frame on it.  My cycles don’t conform to a monthly schedule, so I don’t want to be timed by the calendar year.  I cycle every 32-35 days on the Met.  This is really good! Thirteen months be damned!  I like to think we conceived after 7 cycles.

Here’s my prediction hope:  We will conceive again within the next six cycles.

So, this post isn’t about analyzing and thinking, but really about hope!