I’ve returned from the netherlands, otherwise known as Nebraska. I’ve been feeling quiet and contemplative in light of the funeral, and I’ve been trying to work through my thoughts and feelings on life and happiness.
Prior to hearing the news, Big Guy told me that I should work to disentangle my happiness from either starting a family or starting a career. First, I was angry. Since I have not yet reached enlightenment, I haven’t managed to figure out how to derive my happiness from outside the normal sources that everyone else gets to experience – so it seems. I’ve been in the mind-fuck of a lifeless purgatory for well over a year now, and trying to find and derive happiness has been tricky.
Trying to disentangle all of this has been hard. Right now I am frustrated. I’m getting ready to pop the fourth dose of Clomid for this cycle knowing full well that a dark veil of depression is going to fall on my shoulders in the next day or so. It is going to be a dark and lonely place for several weeks as I ride out the emotional effects of this drug. Just when I feel like I’m returning to an even keel, to a happier place, I’m going to have to do it all over again.
I don’t have any distractions. I don’t have any friends here. I don’t have a job or duties to perform. Trying to volunteer has been almost as hard as getting or staying pregnant. I tried to start a support peer-led support group through RESOLVE, but they won’t return my emails, either. Day by long day I am faced with my reality and everything that it is not. It is the first thing I wake up to and the last thing before I fall asleep. My days are long and slow, my friends.
I was the kid that took 20 credit hours in college because I wanted a challenge and I wanted to be busy. Without either of those I was stagnant. I lacked motivation, and I didn’t work to my true potential. Well, now I don’t have any challenges, and I don’t have much to keep me busy. Things haven’t changed much. Because of this, I lack motivation and am quite stagnant. This doesn’t help the happiness factor, either.
But then my friend’s mom died. She was 54. Once again I was witness to the true fragility of life.
I want to be happy. I would love to shake off the pain, grief and disappointment of the past 20 months. Or, I would love to be happy despite it all. But I’m just not, and I can’t quite figure out how to be. I want to be happy because this is my life. My one shot. I don’t want to look back and think, “Wow, why was I so unhappy?” More importantly, I don’t want to die suddenly and unexpectedly and leave memories of a sad, shattered, and disillusioned woman that didn’t manage to do much of anything.
That’s where I’ve been in this past week, friends. Mired in a pool of unhappiness and self-reflection. Clearly something needs to change. I don’t get to change the obvious things: career, family, location, volunteer activities. The Universe has consistently barred me from walking down any of those paths. The only thing I can change is my attitude. If I am to be my only source of happiness, well, that is a grim thought. This brings me full circle. How does one disentangle happiness from career, from family, from life events?
(That isn’t a rhetorical question. If you have ideas, please do share.)