Tag Archives: POAS

Oh, Progesterone! You Trickster, You!

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15

It is remarkable how much progesterone suppositories mimic early pregnancy symptoms. I carefully guard my heart by keeping a stern grip on my hope. Hope is seductive and dangerous.  Too much hope results in cycles of devastation and despair. Too little hope robs one of joy and…well…hope.  As one commentor once said, If we don’t have hope, why are we doing this?

So, I like to walk the tightrope between pragmatism and hope, but these suppositories are making me keel starboard onto the side of hope.  I don’t like it.  Early pregnancy symptoms are a pain in the ass. No one likes a racing heart and hypoglycemia. At 8 DPO it would be way to early to begin feeling these sensations as a result of a pregnancy.  That’s the pragmatic voice speaking up.  However, the voice of hope started whispering incessantly in my ear to POAS early this morning.  ”Do it! Do it! Do it!”, was the chant echoing through the empty vaults of my unused brain.

The chanting was so persuasive, despite my pragmatic self reciting a litany of reasons as to why the test would be negative, but I became hopeful.  ”What if? What if? What if?”, she screamed. The cacophony was so loud that I could not be dissuaded. So I tested with diluted mid-afternoon urine at 8 DPO. Of course it was negative.

I’m hoping to steer clear of hope’s siren song by not testing again until Friday at 10 DPO with FMU. Wish me luck.

Source

The Test is Darker!

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8

One of my first pregnancy signs during pregnancy #1 was frequent urination.  I had no idea that the uterus starts to enlarge so quickly.  I thought it would take a week or two, not two days.  This was also one of my first signs for this pregnancy. The peeing started with a vengeance two days ago at 14 DPO.

This frequent urination thing has been tricky with my POAS obsession.  Not last night, but the night before I woke up at both 1 am and 4:45 am to go to the bathroom.  This does not make for a great FMU POAS situation.  Yesterday I used the 4:45 am urine.  The line was the same as CD 14.  I was disappointed but didn’t put much stock into it because I am embracing my pregnancy. (You know, because if I say it enough it will be an easy thing to do.)

I then got the beta results yesterday afternoon, and I was devastated.  I wasn’t embracing anything.  I tried to do so by talking to my blastocyst for a bit, trying to persuade it to stick around.  And then I cried bitterly for several hours.  Not a reassuring sign for my spirit baby, I’m sure.

I wanted to surprise Big Guy by telling him in a magical fashion, but I couldn’t handle yesterday’s meltdown all alone.  The poor guy.  Take it from me, calling and hysterically crying is not the best way to tell your partner you are pregnant.  His overall reaction? Confusion. “I don’t know if I should be excited or not,” he says.  ”Me either,” I replied.

So, when I went to bed last night I made a pledge to sleep soundly and to ignore every and all urges to wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  I was going to have great FMU or get a bladder infection trying.  I dreamed about water and going to the bathroom all night, but I held out until 5 am.  Seven hours of abstinence from the toilet.

The test this morning? Darker.

I’m going to have a baby, dammit.

Cycle 12 Is A Bust.

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5

Well, I don’t really know this for sure, but all signs say bust. I’m 10 DPO and 10 days post trigger. I’ve been testing out the trigger and the line has gotten lighter and lighter every morning.  On a whim, I tested last night with diluted urine and the line was just as dark as it was in the morning.  Ah!, I thought, this is it!

I went to bed with dreams of babies and positive pregnancy tests.  Literally, I dreamed of babies and positive pregnancy tests.  Also, in my dreams, my online faction of friends were emailing me telling me they could tell that I was pregnant by the looks of my chart. Ha! Funny!

Yet, that hope really just blossomed through the night, and I was convinced that the test this morning would be darker than yesterday morning’s test.  I woke with a start around 6 am and took my temp.  Yep, still amazingly high at 98.6.  I’ve been pinned at 98.6 for days. I ambled on in to the bathroom and did the deed.  I set the test aside and went back to bed.  Only I couldn’t fall back to sleep, so I went in to examine the test after a bit.  There was an absence of a line.  Nothing, nada, zilch.  BFN.

I went back to bed and promptly fell back asleep.  I did not dream of babies and positive pregnancy tests.

I woke up an hour or so later.  After putting in my contacts and brushing my teeth, I checked the test.  Lo and behold, there was a line.  Definitely lighter than yesterday.  Probably still the trigger.

So, I’m fairly convinced that today was the day that hCG from an embryo would start influencing the test sticks. Especially since they are the super sensitive internet cheapies.  They are so sensitive that when my hCG was less than 20 after my D&C, I was still getting a pretty good positive test line. I think it is pretty clear that Cycle 12 is a bust. I will continue to test, because why not? The sticks were only 20 cents a piece, but I don’t think I’m pregnant.

It is always at this point in my cycle, after realizing that I have failed once again, that the full weight of unemployment fails on my shoulders.  Time seems to stretch out endlessly and meaninglessly in front of me.  No job, no baby, nothing.  I’m pretty sick of it.  However, NPR is looking for people to interview that are unemployed and recently quit their job search.  I recently quit the job search due to the impending move to Palm Springs.  My dreams of becoming a media star may yet be realized.

Drat!

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10

Well, I missed the opportunity to be a reality TV star. See, I’m a big fan of both reality television and documentaries.  I think I am interesting.  Surely, I would make a good reality television star, right?

No, not really.  I’m too private and introspective.  And not nearly interesting enough.  However, it didn’t stop me from responding to a casting call for an infertility docu-series.  They didn’t want us. Turns out that when they say Southern California, they actually mean LA.  I know there are some LA readers out there, so I thought I would pass along the information.

Alas, this is not the year I am discovered.

The first thing I would have done after I was “discovered” through an infertility docu-series  is hire someone to pack my house.  (Because, you know, this would lead to instant riches.) I am not a good packer.  Packing for a weekend away brings me to my knees. I either under- or over-pack at every opportunity. Big Guy is in the desert working, and he works a lot.  I just kinda hang out. So, the packing is going to fall squarely on my shoulders.  It is safe to say that it is my Achilles Heel, if it is possible to have multiple Achilles Heels, that is.

Another Achilles Heel? The 2ww. Right now I’m just testing away the trigger. At 8 dpo, things are making their way back to negative, but I would say that the hCG level is still above 75.  I base this solely on what my tests looked like when I actually was pregnant and was able to cross-reference with blood tests.  Now, I know this is controversial, but I am going to say it anyway.  I would expect the test to start getting darker in the next couple of days if I am pregnant. Why? Well, when I got pregnant the first time I was rewarded with a positive test at 10 dpo.  Now I have an assumption that testing early works regardless of the variables involved.  Really, it just enables my POAS addiction.

I find myself optimistic and hopeful, which isn’t really a blessing.  I would love to be able to discount this cycle.  That way I wouldn’t be disappointed or hurt when I get a BFN.  But now, with all this hope and optimism floating around, I am bound to be disappointed.  Because, let’s face it, the statistics show that a clomid cycle for an infertile increases the odds of conception from 2% to 7%, and that is being generous.

Ladies, the odds are not in my favor.  If I were in the Hunger Games, I would die.

The Egg Has Hatched.

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20

I ovulated.  Based upon the pain on my right side, I would say that it was around 9 pm last night.  My temperature spiked nicely this morning shooting up and into my typical post-O zone. Some might say the egg has hatched.

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Really, I just wanted an excuse to include a photo my my adorable niece holding a itty-bitty, tiny turkey baby.  She loves the turkey babies. This adorable kid is the same one that gives the Stink Eye at will. Watch out world.

As of today I am officially in Day One of the 2ww.  This is my first “real” 2ww since I started blogging, so I should prepare you.  After studying hundreds, if not thousands, of charts on Fertility Friend, I have decided that testing early and often is the best course of action.  False negatives only happen every once and a while, so pee away! I like to start around 9 or 10 DPO.

Speaking of peeing away, I am going to test out the trigger. (Really this means that I will be testing everyday until I get my period.)  My test this morning? Uber-positive.  Man, it really does bring a jolt even when you know it isn’t real.  As for that hCG, well the site of the injection is ridiculously painful.  As in painful to the touch, painful to move, just plain painful.  It is also swollen, hot and red.  Thank goodness I picked up the alcohol wipes or I would be freaking out about infection right now.

I’m dutifully eating my pineapple core and thinking positive thoughts.  Implant baby egg! Implant!