I found out I was pregnant at 10 DPO on January 25. I had dismissed the cycle, convinced that it wouldn’t work. My lining was only at six mm, and my RE suspected “weak ovulation.” The only reason I took a pregnancy test that morning was because I was meeting a friend for dinner in San Diego. I wanted to have a glass of wine guilt-free.
I was so certain that I had things right, that I had forgotten to even take a look at the test. I casually glanced over at the test while brushing my teeth just in time to see the line appear. Much to my complete and utter shock, it was positive. I instantly started crying and shaking. I didn’t know what to do, where to turn. I was so very, very excited.
Big Guy was in Palm Springs, so I called him and told him I was pregnant – while sobbing. I was so taken aback, so flabbergasted, that I did not have the ability to come up with a beautiful way to tell my husband. I was overcome with joy.
The only other people that I told were from the online message board that I have been participating in for almost a year. At that point, I had been participating in a infertility-specific forum for several months. It was to these ladies that I first turned to on that beautiful, sunny morning. Little did I know that I was going to lead the way for a round of BFPs. As we all know, no small feat in a group of infertile women. We were all ecstatic for one another.
At my six week ultrasound we saw a strong heartbeat and the baby measuring nearly to date. But I saw something that no one else noticed. I thought the yolk sac looked abnormally large. Too large, in fact. I came home and quickly started googling, which will quickly provide the instant death of hope in an infertile woman’s pregnancy.
Given the round of BFPs combined with my deadly googling, I just knew that I was going to be the one that didn’t make it. I knew I was going to be the miscarriage. I was anxious and pensive. I was consumed with searching for miscarriage and loss statistics. I couldn’t help but compare my pregnancy to other pregnancies as a way to judge the viability of my baby.
It all quickly became too much. I had to recuse myself from the group. I had to step away from the my laptop. I had to believe that things would work out. As many of you know, things didn’t work out. I was devastated. Everything I suspected to be true, actually occurred. I became the statistic.
The wonderful women in the forum supported me in my decision to leave and also welcomed me back with open arms. I pop in there from time to time to say hello to friends and support them in their journey, and they often come here to read along, as well. We are connected by our journeys, by our stories. I wish for their BFPs as much as my own.
As most of us are aware, I’ve found myself pregnant within a round of positives within this community. I’m not telling this story as a precursor to my recusal from this blog or from participating in this blogging community. I’m telling this story to let everyone out there know that if you have chosen, or will choose, to step away from my journey to protect your heart, I get it. Please do. Take care of yourself. However, I do not have plans to stop following your journey. Much like the women I have met on my message board, I am invested in your success – whatever that looks like for you. In my ideal world, we all get to bring home our baby.
For those of you that want to continue with me, my next beta is tomorrow. My pregnancy tests have been identical all week, which hasn’t instilled much hope into my heart. However, the test this morning was SUPER dark. Perhaps my babe experienced a growth spurt. Perhaps I should step away from the tests. (It is so hard when they are only 20 cents!)
Grow, baby, grow.