I haven’t posted a substantive post in a while because everything feels a bit…slippery. I’m having a hard time focusing on any one thing. If I keep my mind moving doing nothing then I don’t have to think. I don’t have to think about the days, weeks, months and years that have gone by. I don’t have to think about how I should be 21 weeks pregnant. Or 7 weeks pregnant. I don’t have to think about how if we were one of the fertile ones I would probably have a six month old. I don’t have to think about how perfect that would have been given my unemployment. I don’t have to think about the past 12 months of unemployment. I don’t have to think about what a goddamn waste all of my hard work has been. I don’t have to think about my deteriorating self-esteem. My deteriorating confidence. My deteriorating happiness. I don’t have to think about any of it.
I wake up in the morning and I read my emails, then I read the NY Times, then I read the articles I link to on Facebook. I drink some coffee, and I read through my blog roll. At this time it is about 9 am. The entirety of the day is yawning ahead of me, and I don’t know how to fill it.
I don’t have any kids. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any friends here. Nothing. It feels like I have nothing. Like I have effectively been excluded from life.
If things weren’t so slippery I would do something. Perhaps work on publishing bits of my dissertation. Or begin knitting that blanket for my mum. Read a book. But, like I said, everything feels a bit slippery, and I’m having a hard time focusing on much of anything. Let me tell you, this malaise kills all motivation.
I won’t lie. I’m not in a good place, and I’ve given up on the thought that tomorrow will bring something good. Job? Baby?
No. Probably not.
Not for me.
That is the mantra that echoes around all the other slippery thoughts.
Not for me.