Tag Archives: recession

Unhappy.

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10

I have never been so unhappy before in my life.  My unemployment, infertility, and Big Guy’s job have all collided to create a perfect storm that has lasted for way too long already.

We moved to Southern California because Big Guy was having a hard time finding full-time employment in Denver.  He was stuck in a place accepting temporary and seasonal work in his field, which not only doesn’t pay well, but also doesn’t offer any benefits or long-term stability.  When he applied with a large, international consulting firm headquartered in Denver, they offered him a job in Orange County.

We had to take it.  Big Guy had been looking for full-time work for almost two years at that point.  Also, my fellowship with its paltry stipend was coming to an end, and we were going to lose our source of income.  We didn’t have a choice.  This meant leaving our home that we love – the house, the city, the restaurants, the mountains, our dear, dear friends.  All of it.  We didn’t have much of a choice.

My transition to Orange County hasn’t been kind.  This place isn’t for me.  I can understand why thousands, if not millions, love it here, but it is decidedly not for me for innumerable reasons. Big Guy travels to the desert a lot for work, and even when he isn’t travelling he is working over sixty hours a week. I end up spending a lot of time by myself.  All day every day. This has made me unhappy.

I worked so very, very hard for five years on my degree.  I was ecstatic when I finished.  It felt amazing to get that monkey off my back.  I have since applied for many jobs, but to no avail.  Let me be clear.  I didn’t, at any one point, enter the job search with any amount of ego or hubris.  I have applied for jobs that I am over-qualified for, under-qualified for, and jobs that are asking for my exact qualifications.   I took an exam for a research position within my discipline with the State of California.  By law they must select an applicant from the top three scores. I was the top scorer on the test, but still no job offer.

This has been demoralizing and it makes me unhappy.  I feel as if all of my hard work has been for naught. I have effectively educated myself out of the job market.  I feel useless and without worth. So here I sit.

As for the family bit, well we all know how that story goes.  Infertility, infertility, blocked tubes, infertility, baby, miscarriage, infertility. This has also made me unhappy.

How does one define themselves if not by work and family?

The worst thing is, I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t know how to come to terms with it.  I don’t know how to accept and just be in this space.  I don’t know if I should passively allow the Universe to work and bend to its will, or if I should actively chafe against the lot that’s been given to me.  I don’t know how to maintain some semblance of self in the midst of this pain. What does one do when one is unhappy?

What happens when one is so mournfully, pitifully unhappy? What happens to the heart? To the spirit? To the soul? Does it result in long-term irreparable damage?

I will be scarred by this period for the rest of my life. I’m not sure I like the person that I’ve become. I don’t know if I will ever recover.

I am unhappy.  Terribly, terribly unhappy.

 

Here I Sit.

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9

On September 22, 2011 I ended a long and arduous chapter of my life.  I successfully defended my dissertation.  I officially graduated in mid-December. And now…here I sit.

Let me tell you, this wasn’t my plan.  My plan involved conceiving in a relative brief amount of time.  You see, I thought I was due since I had been working on the PCOS for 8 months by the time we actually started ttc.  I had changed my diet, I was taking the supplements, I had started acupuncture.  What else did we have to do?

To recap, in April of 2010 I started working on the PCOS in an attempt to regulate my cycles.  At that time I was estimating that I had about 12 months of work to go on my dissertation. In October of 2010 we moved from our home in Denver to Southern California.  This really screwed my body up.  I think it was largely due to the ginormous amounts of cortisol rocking through my system from PhD stress and cross-country move stress.  Alternatively, the herbs, diet, and excercise did a number, and my body didn’t know what the fuck had happened.  Not the answer.

Regardless, we moved forward with ttc in January of 2011.  My thought was that we would conceive in six months time.  I would also finish my dissertation and defend in six months time.  This would leave me three to six months of rest and relaxation before having a baby sometime in the winter of 2011/2012.  Our stay in Southern California was only supposed to last 18-24 months, so I would be able to stay home with the baby and, upon relocating back to Denver, start looking for a job at that time. This would allow me six to nine months of unfettered bonding and breastfeeding time with baby.  Yeah!

Well, here I sit in Spring of 2012, barren as can be.  What has happened in the meantime?  Two of my good friends, also in the PhD program, got pregnant on the first try, defended their dissertations, and then had babies shortly thereafter.  They also both landed fabulous tenure-track positions at Research I institutions. One of them just had her second baby.  Another good friend, not in academia, got married and started ttc.  She also conceived on the first shot at the “advanced maternal age” of 35.  She is due in two weeks.  Another friend with thyroid problems was placed on medication for the thyroid issue as well as birth control pills to regulate her hormones.  The brief period between taking the thyroid medication and starting the bcp’s resulted in a baby.  She noted that it was the only time they had had sex in  four weeks. They were not actively ttc.

And…here I sit.

Where does that leave me?  I live in an area of the US that I often find antithetical to the way I want to live my life. Our ticket out of here is a job and we are still in the midst of the greatest recession since the Great Depression.  I’ve applied and applied and applied for jobs.  Since I have opted to forgo life as an academic, it appears as if I have effectively educated myself out of the job market.  So, not only can I not have a baby, I also am decidedly unemployable.

“Given your fabulous credentials I wanted to contact you personally and let you know that we will not be including you in the final pool of applicants for job X.”  This was the actual quote from an HR manager.

This also complicates our journey through the land of infertility.  Thank goodness we have health insurance, but it only covers diagnostics, not infertility treatments.  SoCal is expensive.  We can’t really afford treatments unless I have a job.  When we got pregnant naturally during Lucky Cycle #10, I referred to the baby as our Free Baby.  You know, not counting the copays for lab work, doctors visits, the HSG, the next HSG, metformin, supplements, acupuncture, and numerous ultrasounds.  Other than that, a free baby!

It was a joyful seven weeks.

The pregnancy allowed me to relax.  One of the two looming goals had been achieved.  I could focus on this portion of my life, right at that moment.  It felt amazing.

Now I am back to square one.  Trying to simultaneously find a job in Denver and have a baby.  It feels as if the two are at odds with each other, but I don’t know how to focus on just one.  Frankly, I’m not young enough to stop the baby-making and focus on  my career.  Not if we want to have more than one child.  Also, I just can’t sit around waiting to fall pregnant.  This could take another two or three years.  I’ve been unemployed for six months and I am tearing my hair out.

So, here I sit. I’m trying my best to be present in the moment, while also accepting any karmic messages that my be coming my way.  I won’t lie, it has been incredibly difficult. The result is a demoralizing, sad, and frustrating place to be.